Spidey and the Beast
by gilmattie
Summary: Beauty and the Beast is a classic tale: romance, stereotypes, singing candles... you know the one. But let's say we take all of that stuff out, and make Peter Parker retell it-with help from everyone's favourite merc, of course. "Spidey and the Beast", also known as "How The Hottest Man Ever Lost His Smoking Looks To That F*ckbag Francis, But Then Met This Cutie So It Was Okay".


Spidey and the Beast  
a fairy tale retold mostly by Spider-Man, with help from Deadpool

* * *

Wade's Version:

Once upon a time, there was a supremely awesome, strong, good-looking—oh, who am I kidding? Downright _godly_ -looking man. He was so hot, he could get _anyone_ he wanted. He was so strong, he could take down a HUNDRED other men. And he was so awesome that he fell asleep each night thinking his life couldn't possibly get _any_ better than it was—mm. And he was _really_ hot.

You know what, I don't think you can possibly comprehend how attractive this man was. You see—

— **Wade, I think you might be slanting the story.  
**

Oh, of course I'm not, baby boy! This is how it was! You see, if this man had a beauty competition with Ryan Reynolds, he would _totally_ smoke that—

— **Okay, no. You're done. My turn.  
**

Peteeeyyyyyyy!

* * *

Peter's Version:

Once upon a time, there was a man. Apparently, he had all the qualities any man of worth would want—local fame, fortune, charm, a little bit of wit. Oh, also Wade _keeps telling me_ to add that he was really, really hot. He "got around, if you know what I mean", and—yes, I _know_ what you mean. Be quiet, please. Anyway… while he's supposed to sound like this super great guy, to me he kinda sounds like a fuckboy.

Wade's making a face at me. Great, let's go.

One day, this man was supposedly minding his own business, when he got cursed by the first witch. 'First', see, because he's a douche and this happens again—

 **Jesus, Petey sweetie, don't be so mean! Let me tell it how it is!  
**

No, Wade, you already tried to tell your version.

 **My version was way better! It's what the fans want to read!  
**

...No. So he gets cursed by the first witch. And at first he thinks that nothing happened, and the spell just didn't work—that was really smart of you—because he doesn't look or feel any different.

 _ **And**_ **because in the story, that witch must have been something that rhymed with 'witch' and wouldn't tell me what the fucking imaginary curse was supposed to do!  
**

 _Sigh…_ So he returns to his village, gets celebrated like always, probably sleeps with a half a dozen people—shut _up_ , Wade!—but the village doctor could sense that something was wrong. After about a week or so, he approached the man and made him sit down for a medical session. At the end of that, he broke the news he'd discovered to the 'awesome' man: the witch had cursed his body to start working against him.

… **He means cancer, lovely readers. Fun times.  
**

I'm sorry, Wade. The village doctor told the man that he might not have much time to live unless he did something to try to reverse the curse—which is, of course, how he ended up _getting cursed by the second witch in the first place_.

 **Hey, I would be dead without that stupid-ass motherf—ooh, Petey just kissed me real good! Boy knows how to calm a girl down. Continue, kind sir!  
**

Not until you get your hands off my butt.

 **You are NO FUN!  
**

—So, the daring man sets out to change his fate, all while the curse— **the cancer** —is getting worse. He never finds the first witch, which he thinks is a shame, but I don't think there's much he could have done there anyway. Instead, while traveling to other doctors and looking for… good fairies or something, he runs into the second witch.

 **Who, I'll have you know, told me nothing about what was actually gonna happen to me or my perfect bod, and is** _ **evil as shit**_ **! And his name is F-R-A-N—  
**

—Wade.

Calm down. It's okay now.

...The second witch promised to help the man, but instead took advantage of him, and… made the overall effects of the curse far worse. Technically he did remove the first curse, but he went overboard, and…

 **And tortured me before oh-so-accidentally removing my ability to die and making me ugly as fuck! Oh yeah, and I'm crazy now, too!**

 **{Hey there~!}**

 **['Sup.]**

…Are you making the boxes introduce themselves?

 **I didn't make 'em do nothin'! They did it on their own!**

Alright, well can you please have them be quiet now? Thanks.

With the man now ashamed of his appearance, he didn't dare return home. An unfortunate run-in with an old friend gained him the nickname 'the beast', after said old friend made some… unappealing comparisons to the man's face. _None of which_ were true _,_ Wade.

After the insults stopped flying, in both directions, the man shut himself up in an abandoned cottage and might as well have never left.

 **Except! This is where my epic cutscene goes! Petey pleeeeease let me tell it! Lemme lemme lemme!**

Okay… It's all yours, Wade.

 **Yeah! The awesome-now-ugly-mug man sighed in despair. Whatever was he to do?!** _ **No one**_ **would wanna look at that face; children would cry! So he came up with a master plan. "I know just what to do!" the man laughed in his throat. And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat—wait, no. That's The Grinch, haha, get it, baby boy? Well, anyway, he** _ **did**_ **make a suit, but it was a little different, and he had to redo it a lot of times, because blood** _ **tends**_ **to show up on white—**

Wade...

 **No no no, I got this, darlin'! So then, a mystical old lady suggested he use red fabric** _ **instead**_ —

 _Wade_ , you're getting off-track.

 **No I'm not.**

Yes—

 **Nuh-uhh~!**

Wade—

 **Nope! Ooh, I can fix this~**

* * *

 **Aww, man, lil baby boy is blushin' so bad~! He loves it when we get hot and smexy... You're so cute when you're blushy, Petey Pie!**

—Shut up, _now_.

 **Hehe, anyway~ the man made himself a suit so that no one'd have to see his earth-shattering face, made even more of a name for himself in the merc business and lived like a rich man even in that tiny little—what'd you call it? A cottage? In that tiny cottage!**

And that would be the end, except…

 **Except this is a crossover~!**

...Right. Whatever you say. So while the man is taking care of long distance villains and such, the local tricksters are all being handled by a hero. The people in the town regard the hero and the man—the 'beast'—as opposite forces, even though they've never met.

— **By the way, readers, those townspeople** _ **totally**_ **wrote a bunch of fanfiction about us. Petey here hates to admit it, but they did~ hey, I bet you've even read some of it!** _ **How'd you like the dirty ones—?**_

Wade, that is _enough_!

 **He's blushing again.**

No I'm not! It's not important! Eventually, the hero of the town got curious enough to try and see the 'beast'—something I may be _beginning_ to _regret_ —and showed up on the man's doorstep. I'm still convinced that the only reason he let me in is because it was raining, my clothes were soaked, and the first thing he said to me was—

" **Nice ass."**

…Yeah. Real classy. Eventually he let the hero in and demanded he strip of his wet clothes—he didn't—but they got to talking.

 **Which shoulda set off some warning bells in the ugly man's crazy brain, except he was too busy watching that** _ **gorgeous little ass**_ —

The hero wanted to know why the people called the man a beast. The man wouldn't say anything on the subject, except… he repeatedly degraded himself in the most casual way, like he actually believed everything he was saying.

 **Because I did believe it, Pete. You know that.**

...I know. But I didn't know then, so I asked the 'beast' to prove it. He said no.

The hero left, and came back another day. He asked again, got the same answer, and left. Soon the hero was coming to the cottage a few times a week, but he'd stopped asking the 'beast question'. He just wanted to hang out, spend some time with… a friend.

 **Which was hard for** _ **the man**_ **because A, he didn't want anyone getting close to him when he looked like a walking rash, and B, the hero usually made him literally** _**really hard**_ **. Gotta control that raging boner—!  
**

He never told me this, by the way.

 **Never told—! Petey, all it would have taken was one look at my pants!**

Because I was definitely looking at your pants!

 **You should have been~**

I am not having this conversation with you right now.

 **Plus, I flirted** _ **all the time**_ **!**

You did that to everyone, though.

 **I think you still shoulda known, with that spider sense o' yours—**

Okay, whatever. I'm going to keep going with the story. One day, the hero came over without his suit—

— **Way to go for shock factor!**

—and the 'beast' practically fell apart. In a good way, I think. He was screaming and cooing all over the place; his hands had to feel my hair and my face and, surprise surprise, my butt.

 **IT'S SUCH A CUTE BUTT!**

He said it exactly like that. The hero sighed. And then he did something that actually did break the 'beast'.

He told him that it didn't matter what he looked like beneath the suit. Not what color he was, not whether his skin was sunken, stretched or bruised. Stitched, marked, scarred, rough, red, peeling… if he was disfigured in some way, or if he just, didn't like his face—

 **This is the one and** _ **only**_ **time I'll admit to crying here! Later I'm totally denying it! Oh, and if you tell Negasonic Teenage Warhead, then… I can kill you. I will!**

No, you won't.

The hero didn't even get to finish before he'd been scooped up by the other man, and hugged until he couldn't breathe.

 **Oh, hang on, hang on, I got this: "You sure you wanna see my ugly mug, baby boy?"**

The hero nodded, and without another word—

' _ **Wade carefully pulled the mask from his face, going slowly so he wouldn't scare Peter even more. He refused to look the younger boy in the eye as he threw the fabric to the ground'—**_ **see, this happens in all the fics, Petey pie—'** _ **and waited for Peter to scream. But he didn't hear anything. The scream never came, and when he looked up he saw the young hero smiling at him…**_ '

'" _ **Oh, Wade," Peter breathed, and leaned in for their first real kiss—'**_

That's not what I did!

 **Hush, Petey. Let the fans believe.**

But—

 **Shh.**

...I'm not saying there wasn't kissing involved. Just not… like that.

 **Oh, no, he's right! We actually made out.**

WADE.

 **...Let's make out again!**

We didn't—! o-oh...

* * *

 **Sooo! After their hot 'n steamy, sexy make-out session, the ugly man explained how he'd gotten cursed and had tried to find that** _**damn**_ **second witch during many of his merc missions, obviously with no luck. He believed that that little ass-licking dickba… that** _ **Francis**_ **could turn him back to being gorgeous, but… Pete here said that he didn't think it was possible and he wouldn't want that, anyway. And why is that, baby boy?**

Because you look and act less like a fuckboy.

 **...I'm wounded.**

It's because I love you exactly the way you are, Deadass. Scars and all. And, immortality. And… we'll work on the killing people part.

' _ **Unaliving'.**_

You know it's the same thing, right?

 **Nooo… Oh!** **Another reason why you don't hate me! You have a scar kink~**

That's not—

 **Yes it is, baby boy~ You love it when I run my scarred hands all over your body, when you press yourself against my rough chest and—**

The End.

 **Ooh, baby boy, you're not denying it~!**

I SAID 'THE END'.

* * *

PS. We did not make out.

 **PPS. ;)**


End file.
